A wonderful surprise walked into my office door today as my son came to greet me. I knew he was coming home, I just wasn’t sure when I was actually going to be able to lay my eyes on him. There’s so much to say, I’m just in awe with a loss of how I feel right now. It just felt good to wrap my arms around him…finally. So, I’ll leave it at that for now, and let it all sink in. The perfect Christmas, New Years, birthday present all wrapped up into one!! Welcome home, sweetheart!!
The holidays are usually very quiet here on the home front. Again, I was unable to send my husband snowboarding on Christmas Day as we don’t yet have snow. Times are definitely changing, no only for us, but for the planet as well. This is the third year in a row we’ve had no snow in our hills, and our days have been warm and sunny. Our waters full of whales and dolphins, and our divers being treated to phenomenal conditions, instead of the storms and rough waters that we are so used to seeing.
This year, my husband decided to do something different. Like our Thanksgiving employee party at the bar, we decided to have one for Christmas as well. A few of those who work there are college students who can’t afford the trip back home. They have no real family here, just friends like us who have opened our hearts and welcomed them in. My husband loves to cook, especially when it’s for numbers, and he had full run of the kitchen, which of course, is like a palace to him. He cooked a full course turkey meal for about 20 of us. Employees and friends. The day was filled with watching football, playing pool & darts, a few scrabble games, and of course, good food.
As I sat there, glancing at everyone there, I was reminded of what family really is. These people I see every day, even if for minutes as we cross paths. Or for hours as we sit at the bar and chat, or concentrate on our games. These are my friends, this is my family, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. I am looking forward to spending another year with these people. I know my husband is looking forward to cooking for them again. Hopefully, it doesn’t have to take just a holiday to give him the opportunity.
Christmas this year will be a little different for me. Normally, I send my husband off to the slopes on Christmas day, while I stay home and enjoy the quiet. This year, there is not enough snow yet for snowboarding, so he will be cooking a turkey at our favorite bar for those there who are staying in town for the holidays. It is also a special day for me, as it marks the anniversary of my reunion with a dear friend I thought I’d never see again. On Christmas day last year, he had responded to a poem I had written for a friend who had just passed away a few months earlier. I had posted the poem on Craigslist a couple of weeks previous, and he responded on Christmas day. We didn’t realize just who we were talking to until a couple of days later. Now, it’s almost as though those years without him never existed. It’s good to have him as a friend again and to be able to spend the hoiidays with him.
Here is the poem that brought us back together:
I’ll never forget those eyes
His eyes so blue, so deep and so tender. The way he looked at me when my tears fell. He could see the sadness and the fear within me as he reached out to touch me.
I so wanted to feel his hand upon my cheek, but I was still shaken and terrified by the painful experience I’d just had only months before. He somehow knew how I was feeling and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and bring back those horrifying moments. So, he pulled back.
Our eyes still locked together. I could see that he felt my pain and my anger, my sadness and my fear.
The way those eyes looked at me was soothing. They spoke to me, telling me that I would be alright, even though he didn’t say a word. I could hear them as they whispered at me. His eyes told me that he would never hurt me. That he would protect me.
I’ll never forget those eyes, so deep and so blue.
I’ll never forget those eyes, so loving and so true.
I’ll never forget those eyes, as they haunt me still today.
I’ll never forget those eyes, though gone, they still look my way.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
My dear friend The Musical Poet came to check up on me again through email, as I’ve been a bit quiet the last several days. Well, the best excuse I could come up with this time was that I’ve been sick. And, no, when I get sick, it’s not just the simple cold that slows most down, but it pretty much stops me. It always hits hard with more symptoms than most, and it pulls me down with ropes, not just strings. Luckily, being sick is a rarity for me, but it’s like a dozen colds wrapped up into one, if that makes sense.
Other than that, things have been okay. Business has been slow, which I always expect for this time of year. People are thinking more of shopping for others, rather than themselves, they are spending more time with their families, rather that in the water with the fish. Or, they are just saving their money, knowing the next several weeks will be hard. Which, of course, makes things hard on us. Living day to day on what my business brings in is not an easy thing to do. Especially when it’s quiet for a couple of weeks.
Also, right now, we are dealing with a big fire just south of us in Big Sur. It is the most pristine area of our county and it’s devastating for us who live here to see her burn. The latest news I got was that the fire had grown to about 700 acres and we’ve lost 22 homes. Yesterday, the smoke had covered us all the way up through Watsonville, which is in the next county up. This morning, with the dampness and fog, the smoke wasn’t so thick, but there’s really no telling until the fog clears. Hopefully, this evening or tomorrow, we’ll get some rain, which will help the 500+ fire fighters who have been working hard since Monday to put the fire out. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do, but sit here, wait, and send them good thoughts. If you want to check updates on the fire, go to ksbw.com. They are our local news team and have photos posted as well.
December 4, 2013
Awakened by tears again as they drench my pillow. I looked at my phone and saw that it was 4:30…too early to be awake, hard to fall back asleep. David should be up by now, having his morning coffee, making breakfast for the kids. I’ll send him a message…oh, wait a minute, he’s gone.
That’s been happening a lot lately. It’s been hitting hard to realize that he’s no longer with us. Although I still feel his presence in my heart, my brain tells me no. But it’s not easy to let go of all that after having him a part of my life for so many years. I feel the urges to talk to him. I miss his voice, I miss his messages.
I look at his photo and I think about him and what we’d been through as friends. Years of life changing events, of memories I will always hang on to and cherish, of thoughts and secrets shared and locked away in our hearts, safe and sound. The worst of all is that there is no bringing him back. I will never hear his voice again, telling me that he loves me and reassuring me that everything will be okay.
Thanksgiving weekend turned out to be a really nice one. We don’t have immediate family close by anymore, so we are usually invited to a friends house, but this year, they were out of town. As we tried to figure out just what to do, if anything, we realized that most of the people we hung out with every evening, didn’t really have a place to do. Most of the employees are college students, away from home, and the friends who hang out with us every night do so because they are alone at home. So we got together with the owner of the bar and talked to him about having our own party. He had planned on being open in the evening, but said the place was ours during the day.
My husband had full range of the kitchen, where he was in his prime, cooking two turkeys and a ham, which was soaked in my famous teriyaki sauce. The rest of the food was contributed by way of potluck. We had about 30 people join us, and the day was enjoyed by all.
Having grown up in Hawaii, my family has always been the people around me. Not just my parents and my sisters, but the neighborhood. When I moved here to the Mainland, it was difficult for these people to understand how I felt, until I began to share my love with them. Now, they know what I mean when I tell them that they are my family. They can feel it, too, and this get together made them understand it more.