Frustrating Days and My Absense

 

I am writing this after my dear friend, The Musical Poet, emailed me to make sure I was alright after not hearing from me all week. I thank you, and I certainly didn’t mean to worry you, but maybe this will help you understand. Please forgive me if I don’t make sense. The tears are already flowing.

One of the most frustrating aspects of my depression is that I go through days, sometimes weeks in a row in which I don’t want to do anything at all; no writing, no quilting, and definitely no working. My motivation for anything just goes down the tubes. It is even difficult for me to be sitting here, writing this, but I know I need to. A big reason I write is to try to open up and release the things that hurt me, to try to heal. One of the hardest things for me to do, especially after all these years of bottling it all up inside. There was only one person I felt comfortable talking to about these things, but with his recent passing, I feel as though I am completely alone.

I know I have other friends, those who offer their ears or shoulder, but I just wouldn’t know just where to begin. How do I explain to someone else just what I’ve been through and how it feels? Where my heart is and why? There are just so many aspects to it, I don’t know if anyone else would understand. Not the way my friend of 30 years would anyway.

There were days I’d feel worse, and although I didn’t say anything, he knew. He would text or call me and the first words from him were, “what’s wrong, honey? I know you’re hurting, tell me about it. Talk to me.” I’d open up to say something, and all I could do was break down into tears. No matter how hard I tried not to. There was no hiding it.

As I write this now, I am feeling very unmotivated, very out of realm. All I want to do is curl up in my cave and cry myself to sleep. My heart, she feels very heavy, as though a weight is sitting on top of her.

How long will this last? I just don’t know. I can’t go on further. Damn it, why does this have to be so hard?

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 16

I must admit, the further through the month we get, the more difficult this gets, as I look back at my list and have already posted just about everything I’m grateful for.  Is this supposed to go on until day 30?? lol

The one thing that came to mind today, as I saw one of my customers today was how simple my life is. I mean, today is Saturday, a day in which most people have off, especially those who have high tech jobs or work in an office. It’s a day when most are wearing casual clothing and enjoying their day.  Well, this guy walked with a wetsuit for me to repair, and he was wearing a full business suit, looking like he had a very important meeting to go to. And, of course, he was in a hurry, late for a meeting.  So, I quickly gathered his information and what he needed and sent him off on his way.

And here I am, sitting in my office, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. Very casual, as is the main part of my life. The people I deal with every day don’t expect me to be top notch in my appearance, just in my work. Which for me, is easy to do. I’m not here to impress you with what I’m wearing, just in what I manufacture and repair. And, no, I don’t get docked if I’m opening my doors five minutes late.

Simple.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 15

Okay, time to catch up. Today’s thanks goes to music, which has always been a part of my life. After having laid my guitar down when my high school sweetheart was killed, I have just begun to pick her up again, thanks to the encouragement of some special friends, including our friend here, The Musical Poet.  Even though I haven’t played for a while, listening to music has been a bit resource for me. There is one song that has been like a theme song for me for the last few years. Almost Everything by Richard Marx

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 14

Okay, I know I’m a day late, and I’ll make up for that later today. Yesterday, I didn’t even touch the computer and I barely touched my phone. It was just one of those days that I just wanted to kick everything aside and do nothing. Okay, okay, for those who know me…when do you ever find me doing nothing? I admit, yesterday, I was sitting at the bar, doing some embroidery on a quilt that I’m making for a friend. That’s almost nothing, compared to my days here at the office, or when a pen is in my hand…. Let’s just say I gave my brain a day off.  So, I am going to say that my 14th day of gratitude would be for those days that I don’t have to worry about anything, and I can just sit back and chill. Those days are very rare, but when they come, I grab on and cherish them to the fullest. I m grateful for those days!

30 Days of Gratitude. Day 13

Today, as I sit here in my favorite pub with my pen and pad in hand, I am grateful for the ability to write. It’s a healing power for me and a way for me to express myself freely. I need that. I don’t know just what I would do without it. Whether it be my poetry, my songwriting, my story writing, it’s a big part of me and who I am.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 12

As I sit here, reading about what’s happening in the Phillipines, and hearing stories from friends who have relatives there who are now suffering, I am eating a candy bar, and I suddenly feel bad. I look at a photo of a child standing there, with nothing to eat, and I wish I could hand him the remains of my 3 Musketeers.  Having lived in Hawaii the first half of my life, I know what it’s like to go through heavy storms and wonder where my next meal will come from, as we weren’t able to reach a grocery store for days. Luckily, we had the farm, but the vegetable garden would be in ruins, and the meat market would be unusable.  So, today, I am going to say that I am very grateful for the food we have to eat. Even for that little bit of a candy bar.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 11

Today, I am most grateful for our Veterans: past, present and future. The following is what I posted in my Facebook status this morning.

“Happy Veterans Day”… I never liked that term. Here we are honoring the veterans we’ve lost, the veterans who are still alive, many of them suffering, and those who continue to serve. Yes, I am happy to honor them, and to be able to thank them for their service and protection, but many have lost the meaning of that, especially with the word “happy”.  For many, it’s just a day off, a day to go to the beach or the park, a day to have a few extra beers, but let’s not  forget what today is really about. It’s not a “happy” day for me. It’s a day of remembrance and a day of hoping our fighting troops will come home safely. I won’t be happy until they do.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 10

I know this may sound silly, but I am grateful for my cats. No matter what kind of day I’m having, they always greet me with love and attention. As soon as I sit down, they are purring on my lap and rubbing their cheeks against mine. If I’m feeling badly, they always seem to know,, and can put a smile on my face. When I am alone, they are be best company I could ask for. I love my cats!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 9

A bittersweet day as I watched (for the third time) a memorial video made for a dear friend of mine from high school who just passed away from cancer. What I am grateful for is the opportunity to know this wonderful man. I still remember the day we met. He came and wrapped his arms around me as I mourned the loss of my high school sweetheart, who was killed just days before. He could see I was in pain, but didn’t know why. He embraced me tightly and wouldn’t let go until I was ready. I will never forget that. I will never forget the friendship and closeness we had thereafter. Thank you, Kai. I will always love you!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 8

Today, I am grateful for the roof over my head. Although some may consider me homeless, I just tell them, no, this is my home, as I look around me, spreading my arms to the world around me.  I am very lucky to have friends around me who I know will open their doors to me as needed, but where I am today is a blessing. One of our friends works on a ship 45 weeks out of the year, so while he is gone, my husband and I take care of his apartment. And while he is home, we stay at our shop.  Just because we don’t have a house of our own to lay our heads and keep our things, doesn’t mean we’re homeless. Monterey is our home. Cannery Row is our home. See that photo above? Lovers Point is our home. We are home. And for that, I am grateful.