Very hard day full of mixed emotions. If you’ve been reading my posts, you are familiar with Kai, and just what he’s done for me. One of the two best friends I’ve just recently lost. Today, I woke up in tears, and at first I wasn’t sure why, until I thought about what day it is. It would have been Kai’s birthday. Also, it’s the day that the last bit of his ashes will be spread at Makena’s Little Beach, a favorite place to spend our afternoons after school on Maui. I’ve been sitting here all morning in my office trying to hold back the tears, but it’s not easy. I wish I were there to be with Kai’s partner, but all I can do is send my heart. It’s just not easy. I thought I’d be able to share more today, but I’m finding it more difficult to do than expected, so I’ll leave it at that. At least you know where my heart is at the moment.
Yesterday, David was so much on my mind. I was really missing him terribly. Looking at his ring on my finger, remembering the chats we’ve had, images of his face going through my mind, along with the stories he’d tell me of his beautiful and silly children that he so dearly loved. He was in my dreams the night before, and my heart was feeling very heavy with the knowledge that I would never see him again. My best friend is gone.
I was in a funk. Not wanting to talk to anyone. Just wanting to climb into my virtual cave. In and out of tears, hoping that no one would come in to the office to find me here in such a way. I was lucky.
There have been many times I’d pick up my phone to text him or even to call, but having to remind myself that no one is there. No one will hear me. No one will answer.
I cry out “David, where are you?” Only to remember that he’s gone. “I miss you,” I whisper, in hopes that he will hear me.
I miss you.
There are a number of things I am passionate about. These are things that define me and keep me going. Keep my heart beating.
Number one, of course, is my work and the care I hold for my customers. For twenty-five years, I have been working with scuba divers and surfers, keeping them warm and comfortable in the cold waters of the west coast and around the world with my custom suits & hoods. Many are repeat customers while others are new, having heard that I’m the person to see to fulfill certain needs.
Number two would be my family, particularly my ‘surrogate’ children, and the love and care I hold for them. These young men and women mean a lot to me. Not only have I welcomed them into my heart and my life, they have done the same for me. I will do anything I can to make their lives better and easier. Even after growing up and moving beyond their own family ties, they know that I’m always here for them.
Number three would be my writing. My poetry and songs, and my stories. All are a part of me. With hopes of healing my heart and soul, from the years of pain and hardship. I try to hang onto things that define who I am. Sometimes I wonder if any of that will make a difference or if I should just let go, forgetting just what had brought me to where I am today. I just don’t know.
My fourth passion is my sewing, embroidery and quilting. It’s a great way to be creative without straining the brain too much. And the final result is an incredible product and feeling, as the appreciation for the artwork is phenomenal. Gives me a great feeling of accomplishment.
These would be my biggest passionate ventures. Of course, there are others, but those are the ones that make the biggest difference in my life. They make me who I am. They define me to the fullest. They are what I’m most passionate about.
Had a wonderful day yesterday with my parents, who I haven’t seen since my sisters wedding in 2006. Being that we live 3000 miles away, with the Pacific Ocean between us, it’s not easy to get together frequently. They were here on the mainland to visit my sister in Oregon and her new child, then drove down to see me on their last day before having to fly back to Maui.
I wanted to make the day special, to make it memorable, and to share a couple of special places with them. One place I took them to was Lovers Point, which is pictured in my headline. My favorite bench is in front of the short cypress tree. From there I can see the bay in all directions. It’s incredible sitting there, surrounded by the ocean. It’s a place where I write, I cry, I laugh, and at times I’ll just sit there and stare out to sea in hopes to see a whale or a pod of dolphins swimming by.
Beyond that point is Point Pinos, which is my ‘sanctuary’. It’s where I go to speak to friends I’ve lost, as I bury small memoirs in the sand at low tide, beneath the normal water line. When I go there, I can feel their spirit with me. I can hear their voices calling me. I can see their eyes looking at me.
I wanted to take my parents to these places, so they knew where I was. When I tell them that I was there, they could picture it in their minds, they can see me sitting in my bench with my pen and pad.
It was a wonderful day, but went by too quickly. I wish we had more time, but they needed to get home and take care of business. I can understand that. I just home that the next time they are here, we’ll be able to spend more time at the points. At least they now know where I am and where my heart lays.
As a woman never able to have her own children, due to medical issues, I was always saddened by the fact that I’d never be able to enjoy the pleasure of watching my children grow, of being able to guide someone along in life, of having grandchildren to love and to spoil. Well, that all changed about twenty years ago, when a friend was having difficulties with her ten year old son. She couldn’t communicate with him and he was already getting into trouble. She asked me for help. I didn’t know just what I could do, but I told her I’d try.
Well, I ended up becoming close with this boy. I was someone that he could talk to, about things he couldn’t talk about with his parents, as his father was abusive. He’d come see me after school, and I’d help him with his homework. We’d sit and chat. Or he’d just sit on my couch and watch television. My home was a haven for him. A safe place. He didn’t have to be at home alone, hoping that his mother would be the first one to enter that door.
Throughout the years, I ‘adopted’ other ‘surrogate’ children. Some of them with issues, some who just wanted a safe place to hang out after school until their parents came home. Some, who just wanted someone to talk to, to lean on, to ask for advice or support. I was always there. Two of them even lived with us for a couple of years, while trying to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives.
I love these kids as though they are my own, and they all know and appreciate that. I see it in their Mothers Day cards, or even just the hugs I get when I see them on occasion. They are now all grown up and on their own, but to me, they are still my children. Always will be. Three of them now have children of their own, and I am a grandma. I just got a phone call last night to tell me that another grandchild is on the way. I couldn’t be happier for nor prouder of the beautiful young woman my ‘daughter’ has become.
I am very proud of all my children. Their parents all claim that I played a big role in their upbringing, which I was only happy to do. My heart is still open to those in need. As I get older, I find myself welcoming young adults into my heart. They know I love them and want the best for them, and if I can help in any way. I am always here. And now, I have three beautiful grandchildren, another on the way.
As my grandmother always said, “I am tickled pink!!”