Yesterday, while at work, I suddenly became hit with emotions and tears, and thoughts of a dear friend I’ve been missing terribly. This morning, I came to work, looked at the calendar to see what needed to be done and it hit me that tomorrow, it will be one year since he has passed away. No wonder my heart feels awry. The tears falling suddenly with no apparent reason throughout the day. This friend has been my best friend for over 25 years. We knew each other inside and out, and he took my deepest secrets to the grave with him. He knew things that my husband doesn’t even know about. I know the next few days are going to be hard. I can just feel it. I’m just hoping that it’s nice enough on Wednesday that I can spend my day off at the ocean’s edge and talk to him one more time. Thinking of you, David. I miss you. *sigh*
Silentwriter is a name I’ve carried throughout my writing career. It started off as a journal, and as I became having problems with seizures, nightmares, and memory loss, writing became more of an obsession. Mainly to help myself heal. For the last several years, I’ve been working on not only songs, poems, and short stories, but also on an autobiography. Something, however, I have never had an intention of publishing. I guess that’s where the ‘silent’ came from.
There is one group I became a part of about a year ago, called Experiment Project. A friend of mine had introduced me to the site, with the knowledge that it would help me to open up and share my stories, but the name ‘silentwriter’ was already taken. I had a hard time figuring out what to do. I had joined under another alias, but it just didn’t feel write. Then one day, I was sitting at the park, writing, getting frustrated with a little bit of writers block, and as I normally do, I ‘did a 180 and started a new erotic story’, and that’s when it hit me ‘silentwriter180.’
So, now, when I start up with a new group, I always do so as ‘silentwriter180.’ It just fits me to the tee!!
There’s a few out there, but one that really strikes me as I read the question would be on a particular Mother’s Day, oh about 15-20 years ago. See, I don’t have any children of my own, per say. Mainly due to medical reasons. But I do have a number of what I call “surrogate” children. These are children who belong to friends and neighbors, children who have needed a little extra tlc in their lives, they needed a safe place to stay after school, a place to do their homework, or when their parents got into arguments. They needed extra guidance when they didn’t feel comfortable asking their parents about things. Mainly, they needed someone they could turn to. I was it. I was there.
I thought nothing of it until one of the boys knocked on my door the morning of Mother’s Day with a bunch of flowers and a card. Thanking me for everything I’d done for him, and for being there as a second ‘mom’. That was my proudest moment.. I cried. I still do when I think of it. I have realized how much I love these kids as though they were my own. Currently, there’s eight of them, and amongst them, I have 3 beautiful grandchildren. Of course, there is always room in my heart for more. Who am I going to welcome into my heart next as a son, a daughter, or even a grandchild?
About a month ago, I was challenged by a friend to write a letter to my 12 year old self. He knew how difficult it would be, knowing all the hardships I had been through over the years, with a rape, the loss of my high school sweetheart, and abuse within the family. I must admit, it was one of the hardest letters I’d ever written, aside one I had written to my dying father. I spent weeks in tears and emotional turmoil writing this letter, trying not to be too specific, not wanting to scare this 12 year old, who didn’t know just what was going to happen. It was difficult writing it in a general sense, rather than trying to explain specifically what was going to happen and when.
So here’s my letter…
The next few years are going to be quite the challenge for you. Some of those stepping stones into your adulthood are going to be very rocky and difficult to balance on. Your life at home is going to be a bit confusing as your parents continue their battles to keep the family together. Your mom is going to really need your help with the girls as she will be busy at work and your father soon steps out of the picture. The girls will be a bit confused as they are very young, but your love and support will help them. They may not understand, but having you there will be very important.
Life is not going to be easy for you, as you enter high school. You will encounter people from other schools, some who are disrespectful of others from different neighborhoods. If you can, try and avoid being alone after school. In quiet places, especially those unsupervised. And if anything happens, don’t blame yourself, don’t be afraid to tell someone about it, even if you are threatened against it. If you are hurt or in a bad situation, don’t hesitate to seek help from an adult. If not your own parents, then a teacher or a coach, that’s what they are there for. To help you, to protect you. School may be difficult at times, but don’t let that discourage you. Keep your head up. There are a lot of people who do love you and have been with you since you were very young.
You are going to fall in love at a very young age with a wonderful young man, who will be disappointed that he wasn’t there did you in the prior years, but he is going to be your ‘savior’ in the year that he is with you. Be sure to embrace him and what you have. You are going to need him in your life, especially during that time you are together. Let him hold you and don’t be afraid to come out and talk to him as you need to. Treasure that time you have with him as it will be shorter than you expect it to be, and he will be gone before you know it. He will be the one who will teach you about love and what it means.
When he’s gone, embrace your friends as you will need them. It’ll get a little rough again and you will feel as though the world is fighting against you and that you just want to let go for good. But you will be presented with some helpful options along the way. When you make your final decision, don’t leave everyone out of the loop. Share your plans with your friends. Let them show you how much they love you and want to continue being a part of your life. You’re going to need them in your future, as they will need you. Of these decisions, some will be easy, while others will need some serious consideration. You will have some new friends around you to help support you and what you do. One friend you meet in your late teens will be extremely special. The love that you have for each other will be something that lasts for years to come. Although you end up going your separate ways, you will always have a very special bond that will never die. He will be a friend, a brother a confidant, and in some ways, a lover. You will find that you can talk to him about anything and everything. Although a large physical distance will end up between you, your hearts will be together for eternity.
You will finally end up where you want to be. Where you will probably spend the rest of your life. There, you will meet a man who you will most likely spend the rest of your life with. You will also work well together. As with anyone, he will have his faults, as you will, but don’t let that discourage you. There will be other resources to reach out to. Just be assured that the relationship will not be an abusive one as you’ve seen in the past throughout your childhood. Something you can look forward to and be grateful for. Of course, every relationship has its problems, so you will have some issues that you may not be able to iron out, which is where your writing will continue to help you. Don’t stop your poetry and story writing. In just a couple of years, you will pick up the guitar. Don’t give that up, as it will come in handy and give you another way to express yourself. It will give you solace and peace. Something that you will need throughout your years.
You will enjoy opening up your heart and home to young people you know who need some extra tlc. This will bring you joy and a lot of love. And eventually, you will reunite with someone who has brightened your days at one point. He comes back into your life a few years later in a more special way. Don’t let this affect your life as you know it, but let him bring more to it. He will want you to know that you are special and loved even though there are times you don’t feel it. He is always there. Embrace that, and him, as much as you can. As he will tell you, “Reach for the stars, accept only your own abilities, remain true to yourself and offer what you can. This practice makes inner peace and happiness easier to obtain.”
As I’ve said, things won’t be easy, but be strong. Your strength, with that you get from others will help. Be sure to look upon this letter from time to time, and you will eventually understand my words of support and advice.
From your 44 year old self.
The biggest goal in my bucket list right now is to heal my heart & soul. It is something I have been struggling to do for several years. Not many people know about it, about the pain I feel, about the tears I cry, about the nightmares I have.
The next thing on my list is to be fluent on the guitar again. To write music to my lyrics, and to be able to express myself through the strings.
Small bucket list, but those are my two biggest goals as of now. If I can do those things, I’m sure the rest will be easy.
The timeline of my day depends on what day it is. I am always awake by about 4:30-5, and I just lay there and read. On a work day, Friday through Tuesday, I get up at about 8:00 and get ready for work, and am out of the house by 8:15 or so. I show up at the office, and make myself a pot of coffee. I don’t open until 9, so I can enjoy that first cup while checking emails. Then, I am open all day to customers until 5. My day depends on what needs to be done. Over the weekends, I pretty much make myself totally available to customers. If it’s slow, I will make patterns. Monday is a shipping day, and Tuesday is a day in which I try to finish things so that I don’t have to come in on Wednesday or Thursday. After work, I meet my husband at our favorite pub for drinks and dinner. The pub is pretty much our living room. Everyone there is family, and being that my husband works there part time, we get a nice discount on our meals. It’s nice not having to cook after being on my feet all day. We are usually home by nine, and I will almost immediately climb into bed with the cats and read for a couple of hours before falling asleep.
Wednesdays and Thursdays are my days off. My mornings start off the same, and I come by the office to check emails. If I have something I need to finish, or if I need to run errands, I will do them all Wednesday morning, and take the rest of the day off. Thursdays are my days completely. That’s the day I will go to the park or to the beach and reflect and write. Whether it be working on one of my books or a couple of poems or songs. Also, it’s my day to take myself to lunch. On occasion, I will get together with a friend for a game or two of scrabble. Then, again, the evenings will end at the pub. Perfect way to end the day with good friends and a good meal.
If I were to win the lottery, I would hope that it wouldn’t change me as a person. I would most likely invest it in my business. Maybe buy a building that I could have my shop downstairs in, while living upstairs. I’d be able to stock more raw materials, so I don’t have to wait so long to receive them. I’d be able to give more than one suit away during our annual student lottery. I’d buy myself a nice guitar & tuner. I’d fix up my ’72 Gold Duster, at least buy a new transmission for her as she no longer has reverse. I buy my husband a new truck. And finally, I’d look into surgery to subside my seizures. The rest, if any left, I would put away for a rainy day and retirement.
My memories go back until I was three years old, and I have a number of them, my earliest was when I met my adoptive parents. They had just gotten married and were about to head back to their home on Oahu. They were staying at a neighbors house where my friend had lived with his mom, and I spent a lot of time with them. The young couple was concerned about my getting home and asked about it, and mentioned the fact that my mother would be worried. I just looked up at them and said, “My mom’s not home.” Sure enough, they learned that my mother wasn’t around much, and I spent a lot of time at their house. So, the couple went to my mother the next day and asked if they could take me with them, which she agreed to. A few years later, the woman adopted me and became my mom for good. For which I am very grateful.
One of my favorite memories of the house on Oahu was that the windows of living room, which also happened to be my parents bedroom, over looked the city of Honolulu, as we were on a hill. We were in the middle of a thunder storm, and I remember sitting in bed with my parents and watching the lightning lighting up the entire city. It was a very exciting night with a spectacular show.
To be honest, there is very little in my fridge. Most of our meals are out at a pub that my husband and I do jobs for, so our meals are discounted and less expensive than any meal we can make at home. Of course, that depends, too on how much he drinks while we’re there. 😉 But after a long day at work, we just want to go sit down and be with friends, and the wonderful chef who treats us to special dinners.
So, what’s in our fridge? Let’s see, beer for the boys: sandwich makings for their day, including bread, meat, cheese, mayo and mustard; some sodas; and I think my husband had taken some left over ribs home last night. So, if he hasn’t already eaten them, they are still there.
And not in any particular order:
1 The ocean
2 My children & grandchildre
3 Writing (stories, poems, songs)
4 Quilting & embroidery
9 Long, peaceful drives
10 Passionate Kisses
11 Remote walks
12 My work & my customers
13 A special friend, recently reunited
15 Music, as I am slowly picking up the guitar again after laying it down in tragedy twenty eight years ago. For that I thank two special friends, one of whom is our very own The Musical Poet.